Inspired by When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith, first published in 1975.
Most of us know the feeling: someone asks for a favour, a shift swap, or “just one more thing,” and before we have checked our calendar, we have already said yes. Later come the stress, the rush, and sometimes quiet resentment. That is why When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith still feels so relevant in today’s time pressured world. The book reminds us that assertiveness is not about being rude or difficult. It is about communicating clearly, respecting ourselves, and respecting others too.
Communication is at the heart of it. When we explain our boundaries calmly and honestly, we are not making excuses; we are showing people what works for us. A simple “I can’t do that today” is often more useful than a long, flustered explanation. In many cases, saying no prevents the very problems created by saying yes too often.
For thoughtful and caring people, this can be especially hard. The more responsible you are, the more likely you are to worry about disappointing someone. But healthy boundaries are not selfish; they are part of a balanced life. We all have our own values, and we are allowed to express them. Learning when to say yes generously, and when to say no wisely, is an important part of self-respect.
• Judge your own behaviour: You are allowed to decide what feels right for you and take responsibility for your choices.
• Give no long excuses: A respectful answer is enough; you do not need a courtroom defence for every decision.
• Choose what is yours to solve: Other people’s problems do not automatically become your emergency.
• It’s OK to change your mind: New information and new priorities can justify a different decision.
• Risk being disliked: Approval is nice, but it should not run your life.
At its core, assertiveness is about being honest without being harsh. It means speaking up before frustration builds and trusting that “no” can be a complete sentence when needed. Good relationships can handle a boundary, and are often stronger because of it.
Smith’s lasting message is simple: guilt does not have to be the price of self-respect. Sometimes the kindest thing you can say, to others and to yourself, is a calm and confident no.
(Excerpt from a session between members of the Independent Board facilitated by Adrienne Kohler)