Most people don’t enjoy conflict. Many avoid it entirely. We sidestep awkward conversations, deliver vague half truths, or hope issues will magically resolve themselves. But the truth is simple: avoiding conflict doesn’t prevent it—it multiplies it.
The Silent Saboteur: Avoidance
In workplaces, families, and friendships, unspoken frustrations behave like small drops of water falling into a glass. One drop seems harmless. Over days or weeks, the glass fills. Eventually it spills—often over something trivial. When conflict isn’t addressed early, it grows roots.
Some express avoidance through passive aggressive behaviour. Instead of saying, “This isn’t working for me,” they withdraw, make sarcastic remarks, or give minimal, non confrontational responses. Think of the classic restaurant moment: a server asks, “How’s your meal?” and the diner replies, “Fine, thanks,” even when it isn’t. Nothing gets fixed because nothing gets named.
Why We Hesitate
For many, the fear isn’t conflict itself—it’s the fear of offending someone. In some cultures, like New Zealand’s, people often prefer to “vote with their feet,” quietly disappearing instead of giving constructive criticism. Saying “no” can feel uncomfortable, so people make vague promises that later fall through, breeding more disappointment.
A Better Path: Conflict as Opportunity
Handled well, conflict becomes fuel for improvement. Honest feedback gives teams clarity. Direct conversations reset expectations. Addressing issues quickly prevents emotional build up and protects relationships rather than damaging them.
Practical Techniques for Tackling Conflict
1. Be openly curious
Instead of approaching the situation like a confrontation, treat it like a puzzle. Ask questions. Explore what’s really happening. Curiosity lowers defensiveness.
2. Look for the underlying issue
Surface problems are rarely the whole story. A missed deadline might actually be about unclear roles, unrealistic workload, or personal stress.
3. Set shared rules of engagement
Agree on how you’ll talk—no interruptions, respectful tone, focus on the issue not the person. Structure transforms uncomfortable conversations into productive ones.
4. Deal with things immediately
A simple line such as, “I can see something’s bothering you—let’s talk it through now,” can prevent weeks of tension.
5. Build regular check ins
Weekly or fortnightly touchpoints give small irritations a place to be aired before they grow.
The Bottom Line
Conflict isn’t the enemy—avoidance is. When we choose courage over discomfort, relationships strengthen, teams perform better, and problems shrink instead of swell.
(Excerpt from a session between members of the Independent Board facilitated by Adrienne Kohler – From ‘Koherent Media’)